Understand First and Then Rebuke

How many times have you been misunderstood by your spouse, a friend, a parent, or maybe even a coworker? Often times feeling like your words were not truly heard. Feeling like even if your words were heard they were not necessarily understood. And the person receiving your words or actions did not pick them up the way you put them down. Yet, as a result you were scolded, chastened or rebuked due to what someone else thought they heard or saw or simply just based on how your words or actions made them feel. Had the person, need it have been you or them, had taken just a little more time to set themselves aside; their feelings and their thoughts and listened with the intent to understand the situation instead of replying or reacting, things could have played out very differently, wouldn’t you agree?

Sirach 3:24 KJVA

“For many are deceived by their own vain opinion; and an evil suspicion hath overthrown their judgment.”

This is common place, especially in todays society. People are more prone to react to information we think we heard or saw. And because we all have eyes to see and ears to hear, we believe what we see and hear to not only be adequate in regards to how we interpret it and thus feel about it but we also hold our senses to be accurate. Let that sink in…Unfortunately, your interpretation of a thing that you saw or heard is subject to many factors both internal and external. Internally you have to consider your sleep, your mood, your stress levels, your thoughts toward that person or subject etc. Externally you have to consider, the lighting, other noises or sounds going on etc. All of these things can affect what you believe you see or hear and how your mind and body process it.  Take a moment to examine the definition of process.

Process

noun, plural proc·ess·es [pros-es-iz, ‐uh-siz, ‐uh-seez or, especially British, proh-ses-iz, proh-suh-seez].

a systematic series of actions directed to some end:

to devise a process for homogenizing milk.

a continuous action, operation, or series of changes taking place in a definite manner:

the process of decay.

Law.

• the summons, mandate, or writ by which a defendant or thing is brought before court for litigation.

• the whole course of the proceedings in an action at law.

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verb (used with object)

to treat or prepare by some particular series of actions, as in manufacturing.

to handle (papers, records, etc.) by systematically organizing them, recording or making notations on them, following up with appropriate action, or the like:

A process is a series of steps one takes to arrive at a particular end or result. This does not necessarily indicate that these steps are all good or even well thought out. They may lack sound judgment and logic, and may need to be altered. Like a plan. You can have a plan, that does not mean it is a good one. It only implies that you took the time to at least establish one and therefore, some thought was applied. Your thought process or reasoning can be very much so flawed in its layout and application. And may not only need revision but maybe it needs to go in a whole different direction.

Often times, we can think we heard something that may not have really been said but the immediate reaction was to do just that… React. And you can even feel justified as if the other person is gaslighting you or being manipulative or making you out to be crazy because they are not acknowledging what you believe you heard or saw. When this may not be the case. Yet, in still you or the other party has formed a strong chain around the belief of what you thought you heard or saw and you know you’re not crazy. And you feel the need to defend your sanity rather than giving place to first establishing the facts of what you thought you heard or saw. You must consider that you may be misplacing the burden of proof. I can certainly remember a few times when I thought I heard my wife say something she swore up and down she didn’t say but I thought I heard. Yet, some words were true but others were never said, yet they were interpreted differently due to how the similarity to certain consonants or sounds. And I have been on the other side as well and my wife is accusing me of something I didn’t say but she is hell bent that I did. And claims she isn’t crazy and she know what she heard. But I have to remind her that no one said she was crazy, and just because you heard something doesn’t mean that was what I said and what came out of my mouth. I could have said “Wow, that car went fast.” But you thought I said, “Wow, she won’t last”. And based on events going on in your life now you are interpreting my words as if they are directed against you. Due to the fact that you are annoyed, frustrated, irritated that others may be doubting your walk or longevity in an area of your life. Now you think this other person is too. So then you react with a statement that sounds completely out of the blue to the other party, like, “Oh, so now you think I’m a failure? Im just gone quit.” Now the other party is like, “What? where did that come from?” And now we have an argument, now a relationship is damaged temporarily and in some cases ruined altogether. Friends may no longer be friends, couples are now no longer together, all based on what someone thought they heard or saw.

Sirach 37:14 KJVA

For a man’s mind is sometime wont to tell him more than seven watchmen, that sit above in an high tower.

If you were to have seven people keeping watch, especially in a high tower above the ground, if they all were to look out and examine the land and give a report. Or if they were all to see the danger approaching, you could get a slightly different story from each. Sometimes the stories can be like pieces of a puzzle that you then have to reassemble and put together in the right order. Other times the information is contrary one from the next due to interpretation. Even if you and I observed the same exact incident at the same exact time we can have two different perspectives. Again, you can have two children grow up in the same house, yet have two totally different outlooks on life. How? Again, remember like we talked about earlier… The mind and body have to go through a process.

Tobit 2:9-14; 3:1 KJVA

9 The same night also I returned from the burial, and slept by the wall of my courtyard, being polluted and my face was uncovered: 10 And I knew not that there were sparrows in the wall, and mine eyes being open, the sparrows muted warm dung into mine eyes, and a whiteness came in mine eyes: and I went to the physicians, but they helped me not: moreover Achiacharus did nourish me, until I went into Elymais. 11 And my wife Anna did take women’s works to do. 12 And when she had sent them home to the owners, they paid her wages, and gave her also besides a kid. 13 And when it was in my house, and began to cry, I said unto her, From whence is this kid? is it not stolen? render it to the owners; for it is not lawful to eat any thing that is stolen. But she replied upon me, It was given for a gift more than the wages. Howbeit I did not believe her, but bade her render it to the owners: and I was abashed at her. 14 But she replied upon me, Where are thine alms and thy righteous deeds? behold, thou and all thy works are known. 3:1 Then I being grieved did weep, and in my sorrow prayed, saying,

Misunderstandings between spouses is common. Here we have a man by the name of Tobit. He did many alms deeds by burying his people. And we see that in this part of his walk he went blind. And his wife took up work that was fitting for women to do. And in process of time she received a young goat or young lamb and when he heard it (for he was blind and could not see) he counted it as stolen. And knowing the law he wanted her to return it lest it bring a curse upon them since it was stolen. Even though his wife claimed it was not stolen he did not believe her and in her anger and frustration she hit him with some words below the belt and attacked his works and alms deeds. Which put him in a sorrowful and depressed state that he weeped and prayed over it. These things happen in marriages. Not necessarily that a spouse gets blinded, although you do have spouses that become injured and thus dependent on the other.

The conversation could have gone better. On one hand Anna (Tobit’s wife) should have informed her husband when she arrived home that her client or employer gave her the goat. So it did not seem as something done rather in secret. As the sudden discovery through hearing it more than likely alarmed Tobit and caused him to believe it was stolen due to his wife seemingly hiding it as there was a lack of communication on her part in letting him know. And seeing that Tobit is always considering his current ailment and situation he is doing even more of what he can to ensure his household is on point righteously. They were not in a good financial place so he did not put it past her to do what she may have felt was “needed” to support her family. Had she had taken the time to consider these things she could have stopped the whole chain reaction before it even started. Knowing her husbands condition and choice of words, she could have reframed from the words she later spoke against him. On the other hand, Tobias could have responded better instead of quickly reacting. He could have taken the time to truly hear his wife out and consider her words. Instead of jumping to conclusions and believing and holding on to the idea that it had to have been stolen. That too would have stopped the slippery slope.

1 Samuel 1:12-15 KJVS

[12] And it came to pass, as she continued praying before the Lord, that Eli marked her mouth. [13] Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken. [14] And Eli said unto her, How long wilt thou be drunken? put away thy wine from thee. [15] And Hannah answered and said, No, my lord, I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit: I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but have poured out my soul before the Lord.

Eli was a leader and seer in Israel at this time. He was, what some may find to be a more “traditional” prophet. He was gifted with the ability to speak to the Most High directly and have a two way conversation. Eli observed this woman, who later became Samuels mother, to what appeared as if she was drunk. From what Eli saw she was talking to herself and more than likely due to her sorrow she was on the ground slouched in a way one would liken unto a person who had too much to drink. But this is what he saw so he responded based on what he saw and corrected her according to what he saw. Even though it was not the case. But when he heard her out in that same conversation he repented and blessed her according to her request. So Eli corrected himself and readdressed the situation according to the understanding given him. He did not hold on to what he thought he heard and say, “Nay sister, you are surely drunken.”

Habakkuk 2:1 KJVS

[1] I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower, and will watch to see what he will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved.

When someone reproves you, you do not have to simply accept the reasoning presented to you. You can argue for or against. Which is why Habakkuk said what he said. I will wait and watch for what this person says to me and after hearing them I will meditate on what I will then say or give answer for after this person has reproved me. For they may be right or wrong or I may be right or wrong. But I know I need to take the time to hear this person out and then meditate so I can make a reasonable and calculated response, rather than having an impulsive reaction. And I pray that you fight to do the same.

Sirach 4:29 KJVA

Be not hasty in thy tongue, and in thy deeds slack and remiss.